A truly good man...

When I ended my relationship with Pat several weeks ago it was partially do to my passionate nature and it's related temper. These things are a huge part of me, and are partially tied to being bipolar. When Pat told me he couldn't live with it I found extremely disheartening. I know I am not always easy to be with but I would like to believe that someday there will be someone who will treasure me for the things that are wonderful with me even if it comes with some negatives as well. I firmly believe that when god or life or fate gives us a challenge it also gives us added blessings. I'm sad that Pat couldn't see that or that it wasn't enough for him to stay with me. Sadly I began to think that his attitude would be that of every potential partner I would meet and it was very difficult for me, more than losing him as a person was. But today I read something that challenged that belief and renewed my hope for the future.

Several years ago I stumbled across the extremely popular Dooce. While many people enjoy her sarcastic wit, adorable daughter or delightful photographs (all of which I enjoy) for me it is her posts about depression and post partum depression that have spoken to me. I have never read anyone who spoke so clearly and accurately about what I have lived with these four years. Today her husband Jon wrote a post on his blog about living with and loving someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. I found his post and by extension him amazing. I wish all of us who struggle had someone who could have such and understanding and dedicated partner.

All my bags are packed...

How is it I have flown close to 70 times and yet part of me is still afraid? How many times have I heard that driving a car is far more dangerous than flying and yet I still spend more time in my car than my home? Why do I have this burning need to make things right between someone I fought with before I get on the plane as if the cruel words we said to each other are all that will be left out there in the cosmos if I die on Wednesday? I'm not going to die, so there is no need to say goodbye, right?

My packing list for this trip amuses me. The list of electronics and paraphernalia takes up the entire length of a notebook page; my clothes take up 5 lines. And why is it that I have spent all night backing up my computers before I even contemplated washing clothes and packing them. I really do think I am part borg. And perhaps this is part of my problem with he who I wish to say goodbye to. Perhaps my completely connected lifestyle isn't the norm. Perhaps he doesn't respond because unlike me he is bound to other things. Or perhaps he is just a jerk. yeah.

I think Aggie suspects something is up. Ever since I brought the suitcase in he has been sulking and biting my feet.

On a much happier note while on my trip I am going to meet some amazing women. They are my friends in the Twilight world I seem to spend too much time in. These are women who I admire, who make me laugh, are smart and interesting and talented. I am excited beyond belief to meet them all.

LCL

Two years ago today my grandfather died. It was a day that forever changed my life. I had faced the idea of the people I loved dying, after all I have always been ready for Pat to die but this was the first time it came true. My grandfather and I were quite close. We talked frequently and there was no disharmony between us. While I miss him horribly, I can't regret anything other than his absence. This is not always the case when people part from each other.

Last year to commemorate his death and to help with the fact it made me hate Christmas, I had the idea of making ornaments for each member of my family and the friends who are also my family. That way no matter where I am, the people I love are with me for the holiday. I sat and made a list of what one thing would mean each person and made a plan to make that. I got all the materials to make my first one, my grandfather's. Unfortunately last year, the day before the anniversary of his death, Western Washington lost power for over a week. In spending my energy just to survive the storm the ornaments slipped to the back of my brain and I moved on.

My grandfather's ornament was to be three scrabble tiles spelling out "LCL." My grandfather and I played scrabble when I was quite young. I played the letters LCL as they are my initials. My grandfather told me these were his initials too. I was upset because well I didn't really get that you could share such things (ah the egocentrism of the pre-operational stage of cognitive development!) Later in life I came to treasure the connection and was even a little sad to change my name when I got married since the initials wouldn't match anymore.

Last night when I was searching for something in my car, I looked in the glove compartment and found a yellow envelope with the three titles. I had stuck it in there to keep them from getting lost. I sat for awhile, thought about grandpa and the other partings in my life, some of which I regret and resolved to make the ornaments. Now I just need a glue gun. How can I not have a glue gun?

To go with this fit of craftiness, I also built a myspace page yesterday. I think I mostly did it because I love designing and creating more than an actual desire to have a myspace or use it to socialize. I don't really get the socialization rules of myspace. It seems to me the main purpose of it is to put graphics on your friend's pages that consist of a handful of glitter and a half naked woman. I'm not sure how this consitutes flirting or maintaining a friendship with someone. This makes me feel kinda old. Oh well here is my Pretty Page. What cracks me up with that I chose to put one of those music players on it. I have always been a little annoyed at those things because when I go to someone's page I end up having to hear their music which is inconvenient at work, in class or in the library, and those are the three places I basically live. But still I put one on, because if you are going to see my page, should hear something beautiful. It's the experience.

Making the Band

So I took this little game from a LJ I read.
You go to Wikipedia and you click "Random Article." The first click is your band name, the second is your album name and the next 15 are the tracks on your album. I thought it was quite funny. I see my album as a mix of moody bluesy girl who just got dumped music and weird They might be giants type songs.

Band Name: Lü Jie

Album: 2-8-0

1.1854
2.Ecclesiastical Household
3. Heuvelton, New York
4.David F. Boyd ( sounds like one of the General Authorities)
5. Waun-Gron Park railway station (a moody bluesy number)
6. Hypersonic Technology Vehicle
7.Cryostasis
8. Green Party of Chile
9.Mekong River Commission
10.Information audit
11.Nightwing
12. Incompatible observables (This one is totally the love/breakup song about me and Pat)
13.Show Business
14. Dehydroquinic acid
15. Binary set

6 more things....

Jenni_Elyse tagged me to share 6 interesting facts about me. Like Jenni I'm not sure how to do this since we had to do 101 facts a few months ago. Clearly whoever started this meme lacks scope. While I'm not sure if these are interesting at all I will try my best.....

1. I have done a podcast.
2. I hate Christmas
3. I have an unholy love of Taco Bell
4. I'm not sarcastic at all
5. I kinda have a crush on one of the geniuses at the apple store genius bar
6. I'm not good at making lists of facts about myself

Since I don't think anyone actually reads this blog, I won't tag anyone.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart....

but the very next day, you gave it away...

Well that was fun! For reasons I cannot really grasp what began so unexpectedly with Pat and I is now quite over. I don't understand, perhaps I never will. And while parts of it hurt, so much of it leaves me feeling ambivalent and apathetic. It was never in my plan to find love or form a partnership at this point in my life. In fact I felt quite a bit of anxiety about it. But at the same time this was Pat, who part of me has always loved and who part of me always will. I had to try. And now that it is over, well I'm going to keep on with my original plan. What else can anyone do?

My dear friend Katie wrote a very insightful blog about how potential dates or really more so ourselves should come with big fat warning labels on their heads. Old lovers like the duchess would have to be stamped with "Emotionally Unavailable" or my ex-husband with "would rather have a pinata than a wife." Another lover would so so so be "Warning Size does Matter." Pat could have many labels, I think it is too soon for me to say them though. I think I still love him enough not to trash him, much...no no. Anna will be good.

But fun as it is, the point of Katie's blog was not to label our exes but to examine what labels we should have. I thought of some of my own and some based on the little spat Pat and I had.

Perfectionist (or as Katie would call me, Snob)
Fire Hazard (passion in both positive and negative ways)
Has Other Priorities
Insatiable in Many Ways
Thinks after 12:40AM
May Come With Purple Paisley Baggage

Things I learned this week

No matter how hard you try to ignore it, some piece of you always knows the truth.
And you should always listen to that piece of you.
When walking in the wilderness, never deviate from the path.