I'd rather not be here now
Over the last several months I have been transforming into a Buddhist. It started slowly over many years. But slowly I have started to turn my mind to the present. To be here now, fully participating in whatever it is that is going on in my crazy life. And it has made so much difference in the way I relate to those around me.
I used to be the kind of girl that gives and gives until there is nothing left of me but a little dried up husk on the floor. And instead of loving the people I give to, my little dried up husk of a being RESENTS them. In a major way. Which is damaging to any relationship. But it's the only way I know how to interact with people. It's the way i was raised. The good girl obeys, the good girl sacrifices for others. But all that is changing with this Buddhist stuff. It's hard to describe how, but I am going to try.
In one book I read, the monk was approached by a man with a wife and a baby. The man spoke of regretting the loss of ME TIME. The monk told him that all time was ME time. That when you are with your child you must fully commit to the choice to be with him. And then fully throw yourself in the moments, knowing that you chose to be there. Don't think about resentments, think about the moment.
I had an opportunity to test these ideas in April. My little niece had her first Brownie Campout and her mother couldnt' go with her thanks to her recent alien invasion pregnancy. So I offered to go with Princess M. to camp. There is nothing in the world I hate more than Camp. (note I like camping, but not Camp) When I chose to go with M. I decided to fully go. To spend every minute there fully and completely there with her. No thoughts of warm beds, real food, the internet, or heated bedrooms. Well there were thoughts but no DWELLING on them. Just notice them and turn my mind back to M. and Camp. And when M. didn't need me, I tried to turn my thoughts to the wonderful leader and making sure I was fully helping her and being with her. She made sacrifices to take us and deserved our attention and assistance. And you know what? It was THE BEST camp I ever had. Every single meal (including breakfast) had beef in it (so not vegan), we were soaked, I got mild hypothermia, but I had SO MUCH fun! And even more importantly Princess M. had fun. 
I found these mindfulness techniques really helpful with my school work this quarter too. I moved up to a full time course load this quarter. It was so hard to juggle work, school and my social relationships, especially with the kids who are usually asleep by the time I make it up there. My philosophy class required 20 essays; ten at midterms, ten in the finals. Princess M.'s birthday was 2 days before the final. It would have been so easy to spend her whole party fretting about the essays, or the whole day guilty for working on them when I should have been with her. But it wasn't. I was a lovely day. When I was at her party I was at her party. When I was writing, I was writing. I was fully present at each situation. And I got it all done. And done well. 
So this is all a long background story so I can whine about how not here now I am right now! HA! I hate waiting. I'm waiting for my finals to be graded, my quarter grades to be posted and for my newest nephew GROVER to be born all of which should be happening NOW. Seriously NOW. Is there a refresh button I can hit...NOW. NOW. darn.
